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May 2008:
Adoption Awareness: Handling Awkward Adoption Questions and Comments
By Christine Mitchell
“Why didn’t your real mom want you?”
“They’re not real brothers, are they?”
These types of questions can leave both adoptive children and parents feeling hurt, defensive, insecure, and even angry. Christine Mitchell’s new guide, Adoption Awareness: Handling Awkward Adoption Questions and Comments, helps adoptive families respond to questions and comments respectfully, without necessarily sharing private information or personal feelings. When adoptive families have the tools to discuss adoption, they feel more confident handling insensitive questions and remarks.
TAPESTRY: It’s confusing to know how to reply to outrageous comments or overly personal inquiries. Should adoptive families practice ‘snappy answers to stupid questions’?
CHRISTINE: I like to stress that awkward questions usually stem from ignorance rather than intentional ill-will. I discourage the use of sarcastic or dismissive retorts, which can send the message that there is something upsetting about adoption. My guide presents sound arguments for families being proud of adoption, yet keeping personal details private. Adoption Awareness offers several effective strategies that children and parents can use when faced with awkward adoption questions or remarks, including some approaches not found in other resources. I’ve also included an outline that offers the most comprehensive list of potential questions and comments available--each with several alternative responses. The categories range from questions that are relevant for all adoptive families, to those applicable to special situations: transracial, single-parent, same-sex parent, older child, and grandparent adoptions.
TAPESTRY: The W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook by Marilyn Schoettle, M.A, is an excellent resource for giving adoptive families options for dealing with curiosity and insensitivity. How is Adoption Awareness different from the W.I.S.E Up! Powerbook?
CHRISTINE: The W.I.S.E. UP Powerbook is a well-respected resource. It is a workbook to be used with adopted children in a hands-on manner, encouraging exploration of the child’s feelings, while illustrating a few scenarios. It is a very nice complement to Adoption Awareness: Handling Awkward Adoption Questions and Comments, which takes a more in-depth look at this issue. I examine the motivation behind the questions, discuss opening a dialogue with children, and mention how the adoptive parent’s response impacts the adoptee. Adoption Awareness offers strategies that allow a child to:
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gain more time to respond
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decline answering the question
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deflect the question to an adult
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explain that the comment is hurtful
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share limited personal information
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share general information about adoption.
My booklet also goes an important step further, by examining situations where adoption comments are tied in with RACISM, SIBLING RIVALRY, TEASING and BULLYING, and CYBER-BULLYING.
Like most adoptive families, my family and I have dealt with uncomfortable adoption questions and remarks. I really felt that a more comprehensive resource on this issue was needed, and I am thrilled to be able to help other adoptive families address this very common concern.
Click here to purchase electronic download
Adoption Awareness: Handling Awkward Adoption Questions and Comments
Also by Christine Mitchell
This eBooklet covers a greater number of specific assignments than some of the other resources on this topic. The problem with each specific school project is described, and suggestions are provided to make the assignments more inclusive. The outline offers teachers an
'at-a-glance solution' without having to search through a longer publication. Exclusive ready-to-use worksheets are included, which can either be handed out as they are, or offered as examples to aid students in drawing their own alternative version of the Family Tree chart.
Click here to purchase electronic download
Adoption Awareness in School Assignments
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NEW! ADOPTION *VIDEO* SHOWCASE: TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT ADOPTION
These short adoption videos follow a Parent Support Group as they prepare to talk to their very young children about adoption. Using children's books to facilitate the process, adoptive parents explore the dual task of claiming their child as their own, and accepting their own feelings about their child’s birthparents.
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PARENTING ADVICE: TALKING WITH OLDER CHILDREN ABOUT ADOPTION…
"It is a delicate balancing act that we face, as adoptive parents, in talking with our children about adoption in general, and about their particular histories. When should we tell them they are adopted? How much do we tell them about their birth family? How do we explain why they were adopted? In our case, the first question was easy. Because our younger daughter joined our family at age four, she already knew she was adopted. She also remembers quite a bit about her birth family, although that sometimes brings more questions than answers."~ Tapestry Expert, Christine Mitchell, adoptive parent / author
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MAY IS NATIONAL FOSTER CARE MONTH: YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE..
The half a million children who are in foster care in the USA need a variety of adult involvement: temporary caregivers, mentors, permanent homes and adoptive parents. Volunteers can change the lives of children who have been removed from neglectful parents or crisis situations, by donating a few minutes, hours, weeks or more, of their time and effort.
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FOSTERING FAMILIES TODAY: THE FOSTER CARE MAGAZINE RESOURCE FOR AMERICA…
FFT is a magazine for "the parents, children and dedicated professionals in the child welfare system providing foster care and domestic adoption to children". The magazine addresses tough topics, and focuses on ‘what works’ for families dealing with the joys and challenges of foster care. To view a "Spotlight Article" , CLICK HERE
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LIFEBOOKS: THE ORIGINAL FOSTER CARE TOOL GOES INTERNATIONAL…
Lifebooks were originally designed for children transitioning through domestic foster care. The books helped to document a child’s history, provide a sense of identity and self-worth, and record memories of the families the child was part of while ‘in the system’. Lifebooks also addressed an adoptee’s feelings, and inspired opportunities for adult-child discussion.  While still very much in use in foster care, international adoptive families have also recognized the benefits of this tool for their children with little-to-no records of early childhood, and have created lifebooks to capture general information and to introduce difficult adoption material.
NEW! TAPESTRY LIFEBOOK VIDEOS
STARTING SIMPLE: THE PHOTO LIFEBOOK
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WELCOME HOME FOREVER CHILD: A BOOK FOR OLDER ADOPTEES…
"After expressing their excitement at welcoming their new child home, the parents acknowledge that they missed significant events and milestones in the child’s early years. The family then cheerfully looks forward to the experiences and ‘firsts’ they will share and the memories they will make together. Throughout the book, the parents promise to love, nurture, and protect their child. Finally, the family reiterates their joy at welcoming their Forever Child into his or her Forever Family." (For toddlers and preschoolers) ~ Tapestry Expert, Christine Mitchell, adoptive parent / author
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SUBSCRIBER-ONLY SPECIALS: JUST GOOD READS… …for Mother’s Day!
Our Just Good Reads section is ONLY available to Tapestry Newsletter subscribers. Each month, we choose a few best-selling books about adoption or parenting, and discount them 20-30%. With our depth of adoption-book knowledge and our personal service, our Just Good Reads are just too good to pass up! This month, treat yourself, your spouse, or your best mom-friend to Tapestry’s Mother’s Day specials. We’ve chosen a few books that celebrate, inspire and support the crazy, wondrous challenges of mothering.
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EXPERT VIEWPOINTS: A PANEL OF ADOPTION EXPERIENCE…
Tapestry is proud to introduce a new resource-- a panel of adoption authors and therapeutic professionals dedicated to adoptive parent education. Knowledge and awareness are key to a successful adoption outcome!
HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILD …
How to talk to adopted children whether to explain adoption or about other difficult subjects depends on encouraging safe communications. Parents that understand the real, underlying reason for a child’s emotional reaction will be able to address the child’s core issue and talk to the child with empathy instead of bewilderment or anger.
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