There are many ways to open a conversation about adoption with a child. The most common belief among experts is that the topic of adoption is best introduced gradually when the child is very young, and at different stages in the child's development can be discussed in an age appropriate manner. To become more comfortable and prepare for this dialogue adoptive parents can explore their personal choices at workshops with other parents, and through books.
A favorite tool used to help preserve memories of the child's early years, and to facilitate interaction and diaologue are lifebooks.
I had the opportunity to attend a recent Workshop, "How to make an Adoption Lifebook", sponsored by the Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center (IACCenter). The workshop offered a combination of practical hands on training about scrapbooking, and the more psychological discussion of how adoption lifebooks can be used as a tool to facilitate a dialog between parent and child about adoption (led by Joni Mantell LCSW ). The informal "support group" atmosphere of the Counseling Center, attendees that were the Center's clients, and the guidance provided by Ms Mantell, encouraged a revealing discussion between group members about parenting adopted children, and how lifebooks were one way to give your child a connection to their heritage that encouraged the development of positive self-esteem.
Adoption lifebooks have their origin as a useful tool in working with children who are in foster care, and have since become popular with many adoptive families. Social Workers working with children on Foster Care Lifebooks were able to help children connect with feelings of idendity, self-esteem, and loss by using lifebooks to facilitate the child's understanding of past events.
As the only adoptive dad in attendance, no surprise, hearing the "woman's view" on issues such as how they viewed what to tell their children, and when, made me realize the value of this type of setting to share and process something that many might take for granted. There was a helpful distinction made by one of the speakers about the creative storytelling process and the different types of albums that might be created such as lifebooks, adoption baby books, family albums, and travel journals.
Foster Care and Adoption LifeBooks
Foster Care and Adoption LifeBooks
Lifebooks apparently are best created, whether digitally or as traditional scrapbooks, with removable pages, added onto as the child's age or readiness for information develops. Lifebooks are a work in progress, to be used to open a dialog with your child and help them process their feelings about their adoption experience. Even in a domestic adoption, Ms. Mantell makes the point that, parents can set the tone or timing for when information is made available. It is really about how to talk to your child about adoption. It is your child, and it is their adoption story. Privacy of information and how it is shared is a question of parenting, and a choice each parent needs to make.
The thought that occurred to me is why not create two Lifebook albums, one story. One album give to your child and one keep as a work in progress. Only put those pages into your child's album that are developmentally/age appropriate. Each page illustrates and contains different information.
If you take photos, we were advised, "get started organizing those photos sooner rather than later". Other practical tips were offered such as:
take existing photos and organize chronologically
use photo-safe paper that will not loose its color with age
when making albums, make color copies of original documents, and store the original safely
always back up your images on disk
There are many ways to tell an adoption story, and the process of doing it will help parents think through those later conversations.
Quick Facts:
What is a Lifebook?
A Lifebook is a chronological and evolving record of the child’s life. While a Lifebook contains pictures and facts, it also helps children work through losses and difficulties in their lives, celebrate their strengths, and continue to develop a positive sense of self as they grow. For a child, Lifebook work is a path to their memories and to a reinterpretation of their memories. It is also a path to understanding and integrating their memories.
Why do all children in foster care need Lifebooks, regardless of their permanency plans?
Lifebooks are for all children placed in foster care, regardless of their permanency goals. Lifebooks are not just for children who are being adopted. Lifebook work provides an explanation to children for the reasons they are in foster care. Lifebooks also foster healing based on truth and interpretation at the developmental level of the child.
For children who are adopted, Lifebooks promote healing and provide concrete understanding of the reasons why they were unable to return to their biological families. Lifebooks give children permission to love and cherish their adoptive families as well as their biological families.
Who creates the Lifebook?
The child is the primary creator of the Lifebook. It is the child’s personal narrative of his or her life. Important people who can help children create their Lifebooks include parents, foster parents, adoptive parents, caseworkers, therapists, teachers, mentors, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
